I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok