*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it鈥檚 not me, it鈥檚 Home Depot
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 馃グ
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I鈥檓 not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I鈥檓 in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog鈥檚 psychic abilities to better use.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I鈥檓 only going to say this 175,276 more times.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn鈥檛 explain why I was just standing there.