@Vice_Queen: I'm at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I've ever tried.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
@ch000ch: ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
@weinerdog4life: How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
@tigersgoroooar: just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”