@Vice_Queen: I'm at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I've ever tried.
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@baseballchickie: First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you're Italian. (I can say this cause I'm Italian.)
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
@KyleMcDowell86: It's only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn't mine
@graceful_asfuck: [Burger Lounge] Server: Are you 27? Me: OMG NO I'M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY Server: I meant your order number, ma'am.