I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.