@Ideal_Victoria: I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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@WilliamAder: Someone tweeted today that they were "29-ish" and I didn't know you could "ish" 15 years.
@mjkspeaks: Maybe Jehovah's Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they're looking for Heaven's Door. You don't know.
@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
@iAmDelFreaky: Mom: Any big plans today? Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and... Mom: The mail doesn't come on Sundays. Me: Oh, then no. :'(