I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.