I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Why I divorced her.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS