Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps