I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.