I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
You Might Also Like
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.