When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?