I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t know what to do
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.