I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..