Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages