I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn鈥檛 he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die