I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
You Might Also Like
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Just how popey was the pope today?