when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*