I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Jesus Christ lmao
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
So glad we cleared that up
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve