I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.