@peaceintruth1: I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle.
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@JohnLyonTweets: *walks into alma mater carrying English degree* I'd like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.