@PeachesMcPeach: I'm at my sexiest when I'm at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
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@PaperWash: People without kids: I'll never yell at my kids People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
@KeetPotato: [me giving a tour of pillow factory] guy: "what do you fill the pillows with?" me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] "just stuff"