@PeachesMcPeach: I'm at my sexiest when I'm at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
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@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@curlycomedy: When people write, "your dumb," maybe it's not a typo--they just mean stupidity belongs to you. "Here's your dumb now leave."
@kumailn: Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."
@AndyAsAdjective: "Rapunzel! Let down your hair!" RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream? HAIR: Yeah! RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we're not.