I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills