I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
What the dentist sees
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Meanwhile in Canada…
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.