I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.