I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
channeling her this year
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room