I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Accurate
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.