I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
He a real one for that
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid