@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
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@NYC_Blonde: My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he'd rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
@rudy_mustang: Genie: you have three wishes Me: ok i wish "three" meant 1000 Genie: it's done. you have two wishes left Me: wait i wish "two" meant 1000
@vexroid: This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
@iwearaonesie: *smoke detector chirps* me*takes battery out* *chirp* me*cuts wires* *chirp* me*smashes it with a hammer* *chirp* wife:We have more than one