@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
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@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
@abhorrent_wife: I would totally get into a stranger's windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.
@huntigula: My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends ME: ok wow, that's a- Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them