Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Doggies just call it style.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?