I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
the three genders
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My god she’s good.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I