I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.