My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day