I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people