her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
worst…sale…ever
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
What’s so funny?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”