I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My work here is done
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!