I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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School be like
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day