I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
the Monday after daylight savings
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch