I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.