I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
The funk soul brother
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK