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I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
i think we should see other cousins
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.