I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
doing your own taxes
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.