I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
this article brought to you by lions
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Life cycle of cat
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter