I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”