I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”