@moooooog35: I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
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@murrman5: [walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
@NYC_Blonde: Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you're God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
@markhoppus: Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?! Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.
@Reverend_Scott: Noah: An ark? Full of animals?? God: ... Noah: You even listening?? God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.