“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
i really liked this one
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.