“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
no such thing as a dumb question
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
OMG 🤣🤣
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”