girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“A little help here, Danny?”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Breaking news:
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
This bar smells like my childhood.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.