I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.