I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
i wish i could marry a nap