I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Worth remembering.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.