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@brennadine: [High Stakes Poker] Dealer: Are you in or are you out? Schrödinger's Cat: [For the 20th time] BOTH [Player flips table]
@tastefactory: I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do? [flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car] ME: car his keys.