I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.