I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?