I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Not recommended for beginners.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.