I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.