I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.